Congratulations! You have been selected for a Fast Food Personal Touches award! It’s truly a rarity to find personable service in the fast food industry, but you seem to be single handedly breaking that trend. Your reputation proceeds you, and it should be noted you were nominated by more than one person to receive this award. You’ve raised the bar with your smiles, patience and the personal relationships you seem capable of making despite the countless patrons in line eagerly waiting for their lunch. It is a delight to watch you work because your good nature transcends an overcrowded hectic environment. You offer a momentary connection with customers who simply don’t expect it as a side with their mid-morning double doubles. You’re a delightful surprise in an otherwise routine transaction. You take the care to make sure every order is accurate and includes a grin or a giggle. You do all of this without slowing down, proving irrefutably it takes no more time to be courteous. Furthermore you seem unaware that you’re giddy attentiveness is bringing so much joy to people battling through stressful days.
You make waiting in the Tim Horton’s line worth while.
An exchange may only be a few sentences long but in that time you’re somehow managing to positively impact every customer you help.
We’re in awe of your genuine kindness and for that, we celebrate you!
Dear Fish of 97th Street,
Congratulations! You have been selected as the Most Ferocious Fish in the city of Edmonton! While is doubtful you came from the North Saskatchewan River, as your scales gleam in the headlights of passing cars, suspended hook in mouth, its obvious that you were born in the city. Your fish bowl may be a front lawn but your jagged fins imply a harshness suited for the wild. Your captivity gives some obscenity to an otherwise mundane drive and when we look upon you we are reminded of the prehistoric beast within ourselves. So until you break free, you add a much needed element of the rugged outdoors to the cityscape and for that we thank you.
If you were to ask us where the wild things are Without hesitation we would say 97th street.
Behind that chain link fence you swim, the untamable creature of the Great North. We’ll be the ones rushing past, awe struck at your ferocity.
Dear Residents of Edmonton,
Congratulations! You have braved the sudden drop of temperature, navigated treacherous road conditions and survived the first cold snap of winter. Anonymous Edmonton wishes to celebrate these accomplishments by inviting you to play on a swing. To be slightly more specific the blue hand crafted swing hanging from the Peace Dove’s neck (located behind the Muttart Conservatory) overlooking downtown Edmonton. And while much like this late November thaw this swings presence will likely be short lived, we wanted to encourage you to take advantage of it before it’s hastily removed.
Put down the shovels, holiday shopping lists and textbooks; take ten minutes to act like a child and maybe an additional five to appreciate how beautiful the city looks lit up at night while rocking peacefully back and forth.
With warm regards,
Dear (The New) Wunderbar Hofbrauhaus
Congratulations! You have been selected as Edmonton’s Most Save Worthy Bar. You are the reinvented father figure of the bar scene. You have impeccable taste in beer. You support local talent like none other and manage to throw concerts nightly. You understand and moreover respect the phrase “No thanks, I drove”. You fill the void on Whyte Ave as a place where people don’t need to own day-glow underwear or follow any other implied wardrobe requirements to get a healthy weekend drunk. You and your mismatched rag-tag team of bartenders subtly reiterate your bars unspoken attitude: Everyone is welcome here.
So after watching far to many great local businesses close down in the past year Whyte Ave and more importantly Edmonton simply cannot stand to lose another. For all intents and purposes this organization is not about promoting causes but for you consider this an exception. To us you are just that needed.
For the number of concerts you’ve held, the monthly beer recommendations and the nights we may or may not remember, please consider this our repayment to the debt we owe you.
Ps. Perhaps you should look into finding an accountant that will work for beer.
(If this letter or this cause interests you kindly show your support; come out to the fundraiser on November 20, buy a beer this month or just let Craig and the boys know how appreciated they are.)
Congratulations! You have been selected as the “Most Encouraging Deadline” in the city of Edmonton. In creating and coordinating “Write Night” you have given writers the deadline they so desperately needed to finish their work. You have found them a place to share their thoughts and find inspiration in others words. We applaud you for taking what was lacking in your creative process and giving not only yourself a deadline but also the city one. Because of you on a monthly basis locally written prose, poetry, conversations and fictional folklore’s are shared amongst strangers over drinks. You encourage all of us to continue writing beyond high school English classes.
You are offering more than themes, a warm room and a deadline. You are passing on encouragement for us to find a creative voice within.
On behalf of all the authors in Edmonton, Thank you.
Note: Write Night is held on the first Monday night of every month at Accent Lounge. More information can be found by joining the Write Night Facebook group
Dear DenHolm Nine,
Congratulations! You have been selected as owning the most miniature mini-golf in the city of Edmonton! You took the phrase mini golf so literally that you successfully fit nine holes onto your front lawn. You didn’t decorate conservatively or hold back when you felt a waterfall with a beaver damn was needed. You wanted to look outside your front window and see wildlife, and if the five bears are any indication you succeeded. Your lawn is childish and whimsical, and so unique in comparison to the typical potted plants and shrub lined walkways. You worked with the space you had to create something outstanding and for that Anonymous Edmonton celebrates you.
Gnomes aren’t the only ones who want to play nine holes on your front lawn.
Congratulations! You have been selected as Edmonton’s “Most Uncatchable Leader”. Your efforts for running weekly Manhunts and Edmonton’s Unofficial Capture the Flag league have been noticed and applauded. You come armed with glow sticks, chalk and a love for games most write off at the start of adulthood. You fearlessly instruct diehard players and new members alike in a calm but ever welcoming way and then step back to let the games begin. You never ask for accolade and merely run it for the love of the sport. Moreover because of your unwavering new management style Edmontonian’s get the opportunity to hide, seek, sneak and steal well past the age of twelve. Your leadership is quietly admirable and your competitive game play deceptive but oh so enviable.
You are never to old to act like a child and we want to thank you for reminding us this twice a week.
Congratulations! You have been selected as the “Most Zen Waitress” in the city of Edmonton! Your relaxed attitude and heart warming smile starkly standout in the Sugar Bowls hectic atmosphere. You possess the ability to convey a sense of calm and warmth in casual conversations with passing strangers and moreover you carry yourself in a manner of grace that has been seemingly lost in our city. You have the ability to de-stress even the most rushed customer and for that we commend you!
You are genuine in the truest sense of the word at a job where it’s far from a prerequisite.
Congratulations! Your home has been selected as the most Inhabitable Castle in the city of Edmonton! Your clear passion for medieval culture delights us. Despite the obvious impossibility you would face in selling your castle house, neighboring communities find themselves jealous of Lendrum’s notable and enchanting castle dwelling, and so for that we salute you. You unabashedly committed to deep-seeded boyhood dreams, damning all that scoff and abandon their own plans, of owning a castle. You are Edmonton’s long awaited answer to our Knights of the Round Table conundrum by claiming the title of our cities modern day King Arthur.
Turrets, knights, stained glass windows and even a spittoon: Your castle house may not rival Edinburgh or Versailles but for the Canadian mid-west it stands alone.
Congratulations! You have been chosen as having the most dynamic yoga playlists in the city of Edmonton! While it is doubtful Kayne West intended his music to be paired with downward dog, it’s likely he would be just as thrilled about it as we are. Your music and classes sharply contrast the predictable yoga atmosphere and never fail to invigorate those in attendance. Much like mango and cayenne pepper the combination of yoga and rap music is delightfully unexpected but nonetheless brilliant. Thank you for following your instinct when carefully selecting songs to help your students twist further in the Utkatasana, lunge lower in their Warriors and balance precisely in Dancers pose. Your music and playful instructing inspires lightheartedness in the face of overwhelming heat and the ever tempting notion of quitting.
Kid Cudi, Common, Martin Solveig, MC Yogi. You are a true visionary.
Congratulations! Your garden has been chosen as the most romantically unkempt rose garden in the city of Edmonton! You have let your garden grow without the hindrance of over-grooming into a stunning mess of roses that would make the Garden of Eden envious. You bravely allowed your flowers to overtake your front yard and conquer everything in their path. Consequently, your yard emits an ethereal fragrance powerful enough to stop pedestrians in their tracks. Its sheer lack of human interference has borne roses so wild and entangled bees are no longer the only ones attracted to it.
Your garden is a place that conjures vivid images of girlhood whimsy, and Shakespearean lovers. It is a rare place where plants thrive over the ever-expanding concrete jungle and for instigating that growth Anonymous Edmonton wishes their heartfelt appreciation.
Again please accept our congratulations as we celebrate your prowess as a gardener for allowing your garden the artistic freedom to define itself.
Eagerly awaiting next spring,
Dear Daft Punk (DP),
Congratulations! Your graffiti has been externally nominated, and we are thrilled to announce that you have been chosen as Edmonton’s graffiti artist with the greatest positive impact! In a city where graffiti is facing widespread eradication, you break away from the redundant norm and grandfather in military mice, the camelephant, bumble beavers and a voice for graffiti artists. Your hybrid species and well-executed stencil work begs the question: how are people still disputing whether graffiti is truly art. Your work is innovative, original and intriguingly humorous. You use art to voice political opinions, to delight viewers of all ages and to share with Edmonton a part of who you are. It transcends paper or canvas and has pioneered the way for a higher caliber of graffiti in the Capitol City. And although individual pieces rarely survive past a month, your skillful presence throughout the city is enduring and for that, Anonymous Edmonton commends you!
Although you remain anonymous, your artwork is far from it. “Draw. Cut. Spray. Together we will stencil out censorship.”
Congratulations! Your home has been selected as having the most innovative exterior in Old Strathcona. Your architectural prowess is greatly appreciated by those wandering along Saskatchewan drive, and although there may have been skeptics when the house was first built, your bold material choice paid off. The copper paneling only looks better with time. Thank you for breaking away from the norm and challenging Edmonton to stop building indiscernibly identical houses.
Your home is truly superior to the rigid concepts indicative of traditional house aesthetics.
Please accept our heart filled congratulations as we celebrate your home!
Dear Ian (Candy Concierge Extraordinaire),
Congratulations! You have been chosen as the most enthusiastic Theatre Employee in the city of Edmonton! Your overwhelming enthusiasm for your job is contagious to all those lucky enough to be served by you. Not only do you provide popcorn to the patrons of the Princess Theatre, you welcome, engage and delight them. People know precisely who you are in vague passing references “he was the joyful man who gave me my drink accompanied by the slightest flourish of a bow”. You boldly stand out in a job that you could vanish into. You go above and beyond the common courtesy usually given with movie treats and you should know your joy and spirit are truly appreciated.
You embody the Princess Theatre: enchanting, unique and timeless.
We commend your exuberance and look forward to having you serve us again. Well done sir!
Dear Kory Mathewson,
Congratulations! Your mullet has been chosen as the sexiest mullet in the city of Edmonton! Your fearless style and daring hair choices have been noticed and moreover applauded. Rarely is someone willing to commit to a hairstyle as wrought with disaster as a mullet and successfully pull it off. It is truly commendable that you are able to maintain being sexually attractive when rocking a hairstyle, which even when current, remained questionable at best.
Your mullet is business in the front, party in the back and sexy from every angle.